Monday, January 18, 2016

The need to feel valuable

Inequity. The dictionary defines inequity as a lack of fairness, or to be unequal. While most people find fault in themselves based on a standard set by others, I find my 'faults' to be more of inequities; measured against my own standards that likely cannot be achieved.

For years you've read about my goals, my failures, and my stick-to-it-iveness. Under it all, I am 100% failure, and 100% lack of assurance.

This isn't an attempt to get your positive comments, or your support, or your 'you're beautiful, you're smart, you're "insert compliment here"'. No. This is a public expression of my realization that I place too much of my personal value in what I think others think of me. Not what they think of me, but what 'I THINK' they think of me. Have you ever seen the depiction of the man brain vs. the woman brain where ours looks like a bowl of spaghetti? Yeah, that's pretty accurate.

Many of my 'inequities' are shallow. Hair, body image, style, wit, and the like. Things I'm sure someone in my life envies, whether I know it or not. You and I both know that even when that someone tells you how much they wish they had your this, or your that, it doesn't make you appreciate that YOU have it.

Those aside, I do have real self-esteem issues that are deeper, and more important. Intelligence, creativeness, love, and devotion (to anything).

Where do we get the idea that who we are, and what we accomplish, isn't enough? It isn't enough for whom? God says we ARE enough. You want to talk about a standard we can't reach, let's look at Jesus. He died for everyone, forever, ever in the history of ever, before you and I were even here. I can't even remember most people's birthdays, and I have Facebook to remind me. There is no way I could die for the entire population of always-til-the-end-of-time, and do it with grace.

My hair embarrasses me.  My thighs are jiggly. My calves are too big for most boots. My bank account balance is so far from impressive. (If it impresses you, it's only because it's impressive how I can float by on pennies so consistently). My IQ isn't getting me into Yale. My house isn't getting me on HGTV unless it's one of those rescue shows. I'm not a Boston qualifier. My blog has ONE follower (of whom I am extremely thankful for) in the 11 years I've been writing.

I am not impressive.

I am something. I don't know what it is, but I am something. Oh sure, I could list a bunch of things I'm good at, or have done. This, however, is about a deeper desire to feel valuable. To feel necessary. To feel good. Actually, really, securely, wonderfully, totally good.

That can only come from God. Only He can show me how loved I am. My friends can tell me I'm a good friend. My parents can tell me how smart I am. I can be needed by someone, and share love and life with them. But to really fill that hole in me, I need God and His approval.

My primary love language is words of affirmation. Whether the world delivers that or not, I need it from God first and foremost. His Word of affirmation in my heart. In my soul.

By steadfast love and faithfulness, inequity is atoned for. Proverbs 116:6 ESV.

I read this and it opens another can of worms. '...atoned for'. I'm spending so much time worrying about my inequities and how they make me feel, I forget that I have to atone for the real inequities. ....and therein lies another inequity. I can't make up for my inequities on my own. Self-esteem crashes again.

Let's dedicate time this year to seeking deeper relations with our Lord. Let's shake off the worries of this life, and focus on the real goal.

Also, let's figure out how to make my hair look great without having that homemade hippie gel flake everywhere. It's really killing my confidence these days.